I took a very long and hard look at myself in 2015. Not just a normal look at myself in the mirror to see physical attributes. But a deep inner look to see why I was where I was in life. Why did I do this? Because I felt I had not accomplished enough in my life. I was very disturbed by this. Now, at this point I had many accomplishments, but….I didn’t have that big win yet.
The big win is different for each of us. For some, it’s related to the amount of money we want to make. This is a standard thing in most cases. For others, it’s simply something they felt they were good at that could get praise and recognition. Many artists can relate to this. For some, it may be a simple goal of getting a certificate or job.
For me, it’s a couple of different things. A big win for me could have been the finals in the 2001 NCAAs 110 meter high hurdles. I was leading the race but fell at the fifth hurdle. In 2007 I launched a freelance writing career. I missed a big opportunity when a woman inquired about writing a sales ad for a new type of scale. I did not respond quickly enough and she gave the gig to someone else. I lost steam after that. Finally, in 2011 I lost big in real estate.
That last one was really rough. It took me years to recover…financially and emotionally.
I’ve had big failures. But I’ve never had a big win. Some tell me that graduating high school is a big win. I say it’s a bare minimum. But I will not discount that for some. I got capable seniors now (I’m a school counselor) who will not graduate. Some told me graduating college was a big win. For me that was mediocre. I know, some people never finish. Still, more say getting my masers was a big win.
What did I say to that? I never thought I would have to go back and get it. I thought I had what it took to be successful without an advanced degree.
I was wrong.
But I needed my master’s. I needed it more than I could possibly imagine. Not because it granted me a better job and more money. I needed it because I did not have the self-awareness of who I was and what I was capable of. I lived in a delusion that I could be successful without structured education. *Sigh*.
With the hard look, I took in the mirror…I asked the question, “Why haven’t I gotten what I think is a big win? Why haven’t gone on to do bigger and better things?” In asking myself these questions, I went back into my past to see what tendencies I exhibited that led me to where I am. I did not see them then. Most people did not see them because I always appeared to have my stuff together.
But I didn’t. At the core of who I was, I came to realize I was not confident and I was lazy. Or I would lose my confidence quickly and give up. Justifying my giving up as, “God is telling me this is not for me. He has something better.” Now I heard this a lot growing up, and I’ve come to learn it’s just an excuse.
Anywho, it was a tough buffalo to cut up and chew to realize how much I sabotaged my own success. I’ve read and heard that once you accept responsibility for your actions, you can begin to turn things around. I found this difficult. I found it hurt more when I realize I was the cause of my own failure and I didn’t know that for a long time. Yes, the truth hurts, but when the truth is you and only you, it can be unbearable.
So it got me questioning, “Can I truly obtain success if I have a pattern of starting something, getting discouraged, and quitting?” How the hell do I break that cycle? At 43 I’m still trying to figure that one out. But I think I may have a solution and it’s a simple one. No matter what happens on to the next thing I try, I can’t quit.
Now some people may ask, “Well what if you are not meant to do that?” I guess my answer is, I won’t know until I give it my all. I don’t fear failure. Why? Because I’m so damn used to it. Failure walks beside me like a shadow just to say, “I will always be here for you.” Failure is as familiar to me as my skin, and I think I have found comfort in its constant companionship.
I’ve read up on the fear of success and watched videos about it. There is a responsibility that comes with success. I don’t think I’ve ever been ready for that responsibility because of the work involved. As I said earlier, I found out I was lazy, and laziness and responsibility mix about as well as oil and water. But my cycle of failure is something that I have to break.
I need to do it for my own sanity. I need to give myself a chance. I’m embarking on one of the scariest journeys of my life and I don’t know what to think. But what I am going to do is journal it. I’ve decided to have a side hustle of freelance writing. I’ve been published by a major children’s magazine, but I want to have something more sustainable than the occasional short story.
I’m getting back into copywriting, and I’m going to try to be successful. That sounded kind of weak. I’m going to be successful. Before when I dabbled in this over 14 years ago, I gave up after one loss. I want to prove to myself that I can do this and be successful.
What does success look like?
For me, it looks like giving my all and not giving up. There are a couple of accomplishments in my life I can say I have truly done that. I want and need this to be one of those successes.
Stay strong.
TJ